Saturday, August 29, 2009
That's the label I have wanted to award myself for quite some time, or rather, to the past of me. And I have nothing to say towards a lax attitude. I believe, the most relentless enemy within, is our sloth; And the most difficult energy to muster, is our motivation.
When I was still a little small boy. I have detected an incredibly low self-esteem, coupled with a negativity too much and the lack in the area of discipline. I have to admit, even though I couldn't bring myself towards acknowledging it. So yes, I was the pessimistic type. One thing though, I was amazed by how people become successful in life. I especially admire those people who attain excellent results academically. I studied hard to top the class. And... I succeeded. I was still overpowered by pessimism. But sometimes, being pessimistic is not all bad, looking at such way, in retrospect. For it was what kept driving me forward, (even though back then I have even suffered from bottomless self-doubting over my own ability) lest that I may lose what I have worked hard for-the result itself and the dignity? It wasn't kiasu by the way.
However, it was too early, perhaps. It wasn't something great after all. In time, I felt it was an too easy a task to accomplish. Stupid and ignorant? Yes, I think so too. And slowly, very slowly, I let up in that area and sought other things that would give me much pleasure. A tinge of irresponsible, don't-give-a-damn attitude began to plant its seed in me. That is, to be exact, I have lost myself.
So I have just...changed? "Impossible!" I told myself. Quickly, and in a very distraught way, I buckled down to study. But how could I have known that all these futile attempts would be as fruitless as I have thought? The next 30 minutes, I was sitting in front of the computer. You might think that I was addicted to the computer, but no, because more often than not, I found myself doing other stuffs. In short, I was just dawdling around frivolously and wasting away my time. I've tried all sort of ways to motivate myself, but they weren't very effective. Then, the next stage, I pretended as if nothing serious had happened. I procrastinated things that need to be done, to a very severe extent, until it drained my energy and what's more, burdened my mind. I tried to maintain my excellency alright? but with too much procrastination at the same time. Why? I have told you, self-giving up is the worst that anyone would achieve.
A plausible excuse, that is.
*Sigh, excuses truly. They have really taken a toll in me...
So, thinking and judging from every perspective, I just wanted to be labeled excellent after all? And on the other hand, I couldn't manage myself to it.
That is, I don't deserve it.
I continued spending my days in between the desire of striving and the evil of procrastination. All I did was 'appearance work', whatever you may call it. I was too afraid to be derided. Yes! And that everyone would be disappointed with me. But seriously, I would take the trouble to do so, so that these people would describe me as 'good student' and whatnot.
And my pathetic story shall end here...
It had really led me thinking for several nights. I started thinking. Who is the irresponsible person am I right now? Who is the one standing in front every time I stare into the mirror? Hyde?
AND, for all my life, I have been waiting for this right time, for this right moment to come. You might think that I am pretty useless, but you would have no idea how immense is the internal struggle and contending within me. But wait, doesn't anyone is facing the same problem?
I was just one of those who couldn't handle the problem? Not in the correct and proper way. It was until I know this person, this very special young lady, a friend of mine, indirectly, should I say? Till then, I am truly, indeed, Inspired, Motivated, Triggered, whatever you may call it. Ah, I must be really thankful to you!
It may be too late for trial, but never it will be for my SPM.
Natural tendencies will make you whine. Courage will make you suck it up, move on, and improve.
Bye!
-You must accept finite disappointment, but you must never lose infinite hope.-
|12:29|
Obtuse; lacking intellectual acuity.
That's the label I have wanted to award myself for quite some time, or rather, to the past of me. And I have nothing to say towards a lax attitude. I believe, the most relentless enemy within, is our sloth; And the most difficult energy to muster, is our motivation.
When I was still a little small boy. I have detected an incredibly low self-esteem, coupled with a negativity too much and the lack in the area of discipline. I have to admit, even though I couldn't bring myself towards acknowledging it. So yes, I was the pessimistic type. One thing though, I was amazed by how people become successful in life. I especially admire those people who attain excellent results academically. I studied hard to top the class. And... I succeeded. I was still overpowered by pessimism. But sometimes, being pessimistic is not all bad, looking at such way, in retrospect. For it was what kept driving me forward, (even though back then I have even suffered from bottomless self-doubting over my own ability) lest that I may lose what I have worked hard for-the result itself and the dignity? It wasn't kiasu by the way.
However, it was too early, perhaps. It wasn't something great after all. In time, I felt it was an too easy a task to accomplish. Stupid and ignorant? Yes, I think so too. And slowly, very slowly, I let up in that area and sought other things that would give me much pleasure. A tinge of irresponsible, don't-give-a-damn attitude began to plant its seed in me. That is, to be exact, I have lost myself.
So I have just...changed? "Impossible!" I told myself. Quickly, and in a very distraught way, I buckled down to study. But how could I have known that all these futile attempts would be as fruitless as I have thought? The next 30 minutes, I was sitting in front of the computer. You might think that I was addicted to the computer, but no, because more often than not, I found myself doing other stuffs. In short, I was just dawdling around frivolously and wasting away my time. I've tried all sort of ways to motivate myself, but they weren't very effective. Then, the next stage, I pretended as if nothing serious had happened. I procrastinated things that need to be done, to a very severe extent, until it drained my energy and what's more, burdened my mind. I tried to maintain my excellency alright? but with too much procrastination at the same time. Why? I have told you, self-giving up is the worst that anyone would achieve.
A plausible excuse, that is.
*Sigh, excuses truly. They have really taken a toll in me...
So, thinking and judging from every perspective, I just wanted to be labeled excellent after all? And on the other hand, I couldn't manage myself to it.
That is, I don't deserve it.
I continued spending my days in between the desire of striving and the evil of procrastination. All I did was 'appearance work', whatever you may call it. I was too afraid to be derided. Yes! And that everyone would be disappointed with me. But seriously, I would take the trouble to do so, so that these people would describe me as 'good student' and whatnot.
And my pathetic story shall end here...
It had really led me thinking for several nights. I started thinking. Who is the irresponsible person am I right now? Who is the one standing in front every time I stare into the mirror? Hyde?
AND, for all my life, I have been waiting for this right time, for this right moment to come. You might think that I am pretty useless, but you would have no idea how immense is the internal struggle and contending within me. But wait, doesn't anyone is facing the same problem?
I was just one of those who couldn't handle the problem? Not in the correct and proper way. It was until I know this person, this very special young lady, a friend of mine, indirectly, should I say? Till then, I am truly, indeed, Inspired, Motivated, Triggered, whatever you may call it. Ah, I must be really thankful to you!
It may be too late for trial, but never it will be for my SPM.
Natural tendencies will make you whine. Courage will make you suck it up, move on, and improve.
Bye!
-You must accept finite disappointment, but you must never lose infinite hope.-
I still remember my dream. The one and only one. _________________________________________________